new site

im discontinuing this journal site.
i just dont like blogspot as much as i like livejournal where i used to be.

the new site is public - access it below ...

http://bringyourownsun.livejournal.com

moving

i have made a decision ...

i am setting up an account over at livejournal.com again

i just like it over there better. i am going to leave this up and attach it so that people who REALLY want to be psychotic and read can. i am hoping to get the new account up this weekend and link it.

url = http://bringyourownsun.livejournal.com

try

April 25th was the last time that i wrote anything on here. times have been ... well times have been tough. thank god i have an actual job interview tomorrow with a good company in toledo which is about 45 miles away. *lots of wishes for me please*

i had a huge drop down fight with my mom over the phone this last week. she basically said that i can't come home ever again. which leaves a shallow feeling in my heart. it is terribly lonley when you are told that you have no home, that you have nowhere to go anymore. everything that i thought was my home back in pennsylvania is no longer there for me. i have already made the realization that besides the people that i love, it no longer holds anything for me. there is nothing there - so i have (well had) no choice but to go.

i have no choice but to make my own life my own way.

maybe once i have a job things will be better.
maybe once i have things in a straight line things wont seem so bleak.
maybe once i have my life in order ...

im trying really hard not to be depressed, really hard not to be insane, really hard to make it. most of the time i dont think people understand how hard i really have to try and not be psychotic.

at least i try ...

happy?

i am tired and really thirsty.

it has been 80+ degrees here the last week. i dont sun tan - that is just ludichrist! i like my pale pasty complection the way it is thanks much. however as elizabeth said, this is the darkest that she has ever seen me in ten years. i got mad sunburn that is finally loosing the red. my poor chest is pealing and raw.

question:

why, even when we have the most truly blissful time, can we make ourselves myserable through thought?

case in point - the last two days i have been totally blissfully happy with the people around me, the relaxing things that i am doing outside (fuck i was so relaxed the other day that i fell asleep in the yard for an hour and a half) -- yet i manage to feel discourged and that i shouldnt be happy for some reason. i am ruining my personal happiness because it is not what "path" of happiness people have chosen for me.

i have no job right now - so i should be myserable i guess ...

i am trying to hold down my personal happiness however, it is a daily struggle.

sick

my throat is almost swollen shut again
my ears hurt like no bodies business
i am cold like jesus hates me

but at least it stopped raining today !

*and i am waisting my life here in ohio fucking things up left and right ... or so everyone in my family thinks. is it enough to have any faith in me? or am i just that hopeless ...*

when parents read your mail

so my mother is pissed at me and it has vicariously put me in a bad mood - even when the woman is 100 some miles away she still makes me feel like shit for being who i am. i have no job as of yet. my unemployment was denied because the company i worked for lied saying that i never brought any proof to the table that i was suffering from some sort of illness. whatever! i could fight that in a heart beat because i have two doctors that wrote excuses for me. however i do not have the time nor the patience for the legal dance and such bullshit.

my student loans were not paid for last month and this month and my mother is freaking out over it. im sorry but when it comes to money - they are the last ones that i care about. what can they do to me? i have nothing to take. my car is more important than loans.

so i didnt get unemployment - i had to wait since feb 19 to know this and now i have to revise the game plan. i have to figure out what to do by the end of the week to get a job doing something. yippers!

and i will ...

just breathe ...

once again my parents are convinced that i am ruining my life, that moving to ohio was the worst thing that i could have done for myself and that constant reminder that they "cannot help me with money".

have i asked for money?

last time i checked the answer was no.