happy?

i am tired and really thirsty.

it has been 80+ degrees here the last week. i dont sun tan - that is just ludichrist! i like my pale pasty complection the way it is thanks much. however as elizabeth said, this is the darkest that she has ever seen me in ten years. i got mad sunburn that is finally loosing the red. my poor chest is pealing and raw.

question:

why, even when we have the most truly blissful time, can we make ourselves myserable through thought?

case in point - the last two days i have been totally blissfully happy with the people around me, the relaxing things that i am doing outside (fuck i was so relaxed the other day that i fell asleep in the yard for an hour and a half) -- yet i manage to feel discourged and that i shouldnt be happy for some reason. i am ruining my personal happiness because it is not what "path" of happiness people have chosen for me.

i have no job right now - so i should be myserable i guess ...

i am trying to hold down my personal happiness however, it is a daily struggle.