new site

im discontinuing this journal site.
i just dont like blogspot as much as i like livejournal where i used to be.

the new site is public - access it below ...

http://bringyourownsun.livejournal.com

moving

i have made a decision ...

i am setting up an account over at livejournal.com again

i just like it over there better. i am going to leave this up and attach it so that people who REALLY want to be psychotic and read can. i am hoping to get the new account up this weekend and link it.

url = http://bringyourownsun.livejournal.com

try

April 25th was the last time that i wrote anything on here. times have been ... well times have been tough. thank god i have an actual job interview tomorrow with a good company in toledo which is about 45 miles away. *lots of wishes for me please*

i had a huge drop down fight with my mom over the phone this last week. she basically said that i can't come home ever again. which leaves a shallow feeling in my heart. it is terribly lonley when you are told that you have no home, that you have nowhere to go anymore. everything that i thought was my home back in pennsylvania is no longer there for me. i have already made the realization that besides the people that i love, it no longer holds anything for me. there is nothing there - so i have (well had) no choice but to go.

i have no choice but to make my own life my own way.

maybe once i have a job things will be better.
maybe once i have things in a straight line things wont seem so bleak.
maybe once i have my life in order ...

im trying really hard not to be depressed, really hard not to be insane, really hard to make it. most of the time i dont think people understand how hard i really have to try and not be psychotic.

at least i try ...

happy?

i am tired and really thirsty.

it has been 80+ degrees here the last week. i dont sun tan - that is just ludichrist! i like my pale pasty complection the way it is thanks much. however as elizabeth said, this is the darkest that she has ever seen me in ten years. i got mad sunburn that is finally loosing the red. my poor chest is pealing and raw.

question:

why, even when we have the most truly blissful time, can we make ourselves myserable through thought?

case in point - the last two days i have been totally blissfully happy with the people around me, the relaxing things that i am doing outside (fuck i was so relaxed the other day that i fell asleep in the yard for an hour and a half) -- yet i manage to feel discourged and that i shouldnt be happy for some reason. i am ruining my personal happiness because it is not what "path" of happiness people have chosen for me.

i have no job right now - so i should be myserable i guess ...

i am trying to hold down my personal happiness however, it is a daily struggle.

sick

my throat is almost swollen shut again
my ears hurt like no bodies business
i am cold like jesus hates me

but at least it stopped raining today !

*and i am waisting my life here in ohio fucking things up left and right ... or so everyone in my family thinks. is it enough to have any faith in me? or am i just that hopeless ...*

when parents read your mail

so my mother is pissed at me and it has vicariously put me in a bad mood - even when the woman is 100 some miles away she still makes me feel like shit for being who i am. i have no job as of yet. my unemployment was denied because the company i worked for lied saying that i never brought any proof to the table that i was suffering from some sort of illness. whatever! i could fight that in a heart beat because i have two doctors that wrote excuses for me. however i do not have the time nor the patience for the legal dance and such bullshit.

my student loans were not paid for last month and this month and my mother is freaking out over it. im sorry but when it comes to money - they are the last ones that i care about. what can they do to me? i have nothing to take. my car is more important than loans.

so i didnt get unemployment - i had to wait since feb 19 to know this and now i have to revise the game plan. i have to figure out what to do by the end of the week to get a job doing something. yippers!

and i will ...

just breathe ...

once again my parents are convinced that i am ruining my life, that moving to ohio was the worst thing that i could have done for myself and that constant reminder that they "cannot help me with money".

have i asked for money?

last time i checked the answer was no.

easter sunday

HAPPY EASTER!

i know that i havent written anything in while ...
it has been busy

i hurt my back fucking bad doing lord knows what.
my siatic (?) nerve is pinched on the right side = my ass cheak hurts = i get electrical shocks down my whole leg and it twitches uncontrolably = i cant sit for more than 5 min at a time = laying down is the only way i am comfortable. it sucks, i feel 100 years old right now and the cold nights isnt making it any better.

i have much to write ...
no time as usual unless i can hire that personal assistant.

much love

signs

so this evening we finished laying grass seed because it was going to rain just after dark. then i went down the ways to town to get a pack of cigarettes and a sodieee-pop. upon comming home i was sitting on the front porch smoking, watching the thunder storm roll in from the west when i was pelted in the head.

quarter inch hale ...

ya!
rocks falling from the sky today!

shit doesn't fall from the sky where i come from unless you throw it up there first.

is this a sign of the end?

frustration

today is totally frustrating.
i'm looking for work but have no idea where else to look.
constantly doing nothing is aggrivating.

this house is further reasoning and justification as to why i am never having kids.
EVER!

i need a nap ...

ascention

i don't know what it say.

cigarettes are now $7 a pack = quitting in my future.
that is a positive.

what if you haven't found employment in a place but ... enligtenment on a super grandious scale? true we are not defined by what it is we "do" for a living but all too often it becomes who we are. what if you are not true to what you have become?

what if it is a pseudo-self?

essentially you have been lying to ourself all the time. i was a horrible family therapist *admission made* i did not fit into that world. i am just too ruff around the edges ... i cannot be that person. it is not built into my skeleton. it is not my skin, part of my dna or any ounce of my composition ...

ahh ... alas.

THAT was the purpose for the job. as a defining point in life, a rock a break in the path. and it is not what was ment to be. i truly wish that someday people close to me will realize that. there is method to this madness that i live in, method and motivation for something better.



i need that reason to wake up in the morning.

i need that motivation.
tomorrows motivation is ... gardening.

i have been envited to garden and have coffee with beth's mom in her - well there is no other way to say this - she is a white witch and grows amazing things just for fun. she makes organic soaps and candles plus she is a great artist and thinker. she is my centering piece here. no matter how insane things get - she is the rock in the middle that i know i can stand on when it starts to flood and the water won't reach my sandles.

enlightenment on a grand scale ...
i experienced ascention twice today.
TWICE!
*google it because i can't explain it*

never has it happened in the same month, let alone in the same day! within moments of one another too. i am just wow ...

inside of me is smiling like the cheshire cat.


and that's the way it is in minnisota
that's the way it is in oklahoma-homa
that's the way it's been since protazoa
first gone on on the shores of California ...


ps = yes my toes are still frozen ...

cold

WHY is it colder in the house than it is outside?!?!

answer me ... someone?

please - i like feeling my toes and i can't fathom wearing socks without shoes on and i don't want to wear shoes inside!!!

snowing?

it is march 29th
and
it is snowing with some force in northwestern ohio.

snowing ...

come on now people!
i love snow and cold weather but be real, the bad thing is that we have until mid-april to go with this shit. *and i wondered why it was that i packed all my sweaters and warm cloths* i have on two shirts one is police issue body armor for -20*, a hooded sweatshirt, pj pants and toe socks and i am inside, freezing, ontop of the heater and my nose! my nose it is frozen.

ohio - land of once you get cold you can never get warm AGAIN!

beyond that ...
all is fine - i found my center today.

title

so i changed the title of this blog today ...

paper street soap company

THAT is the world that i am living in - and if you don't have any idea what that means or where it is from that is what those lovely men made google.com for.

*period*

mine

what's mine is mine and you can't have it .

ANYONE who knows me knows that i don't like to share what is mine.

IF you want something that is mine - you need to ask me for it. just don't take it and assume that i am okay with it because i know you. there are THREE people in my life who have that privlidge. that privlidge comes after years of accepting my insanity.

you just do not take my shit.
you do not take my shit and expect me not to know.
i wasn't born lastnight - or at night for that matter i was born in the middle of the day.

un-cool

so i have offically became the uncool friend.

ya ...

if i dont have something that someone wants - then i am not important.

go me.

i've been tainted with a horrible name by people that don't even know me.
and i keep asking myself why it is that i care?
why do i care what people think of me?
i've never cared what people think.

have i lost that?

where did it go ...

welcome to england

im tired today - which i shouldn't be but i am. it is strange to go from the world of working 40+ hours a week to NOT working at all - i dont know what to do with myself most of the time. i feel utterly and completely useless.

you know when someone yells at you and you stand there and take it from them? ya that was today - beth's mom decided to yell at me for something i supposedly did. people dont want to hear the truth. so i let myself be the scapegoat. i had no energy to argue back.

everyone is convinced that i am dying here. i am just fine - the cat litter needs changed but besides that i am fine. we are fine let me say. this is a temporary housing setting. i cant handle this much chaos all the time. i just needed complete starvation from the life that i knew. it was going no where and i was stuck in a viscious cycle. that being said - do realize that i am not the perfect anything. not the perfect person or daughter. jack of all trades but master of none. i will never have the perfect life with everything in place. i will never have thousands in my bank account. i love shoes too much. but that is who i am take it or leave it. the renegade friend and lover ...

he said, you've got to bring your own sun girl
bring your own sun

swap our places

it reminds me so much of my mother ...

it doesn't hurt me
you wanna feel how it feels
you wanna know
know that it doesnt hurt me
you wanna know about the deal im making

if i only could
make a deal with god
and get him to swap our places
be running up that road
be running up that hill
with no problem

you dont wanna hurt me
see how deep the bullet lies
unaware that im taring you assunder
so much hate for the ones we love
tell me we both matter dont we?

- placebo / running up that hill

i am

I am an anarchist

An antichrist

An asterix

I am an anorak

An acolyte

An accidental

I am eleven feet

Ok, eight...Six foot three...

I fought the British and I won

I have a rocket ship

A jetfighter

A paper airplane

Say what you will...

I am The Kill

The only thing that keeps you really truly safe from being real

I have a tendency

To exaggerate

Just a little bit

I am a plagiarist

Apologist

A walruscokeheadlizard

I am an optimist

A closeted misogynist

I fought the British and I won

I have a wishing well a living will a magical eight ball

Say what you will - I am The Kill

The only thing that keeps you really truly safe from being real

Put pat sajak back in office

Put pat sajak back in office!!!

But the sun still sets on you

And the retarded party nobody came to but you

And so you drink to all the emptiness until you wake up

And there's hell to pay again

And the punch lines point at you

And all the comebacks in the world are in your head

And you can't say them until everybody leaves

And it's just you and your imaginary friends...

alive

i am okay.
alive
breathing and okay ...

twinkle twinkle little star

i went to give plasma today - there is no other source of income right now.
like $30 is a lot of money for christ sake!


things got screwed because of me not having a vaild ohio address. tried to bootleg one but that didn't work.

i drove all the way to findaly which is 21 miles away. i was on "E" half way there - no plasma = no gas! i have no cell phone no ones number no one to call no money. i went over to the gas station across the street pulled in and started swaring and kicking my car. i put a dent in my car with sandles on and my toes are fine.

i had to pan-handle money off of a stranger to make it home. i gather it helped because i am a female and i was crying. i got $5 to get gas and make it home.

i was in tears the entire time i pumped my gas.

nervous breakdown #1 in ohio ...

i cant exist in the middle of nothingness. no money no gas no nothing. this is killing me slowly.

before you can be anything ...
you must loose everything.

smoke on the water

it is a funny afair when lines are crossed
when you push to a limit that you cannot see
to watch the other persons face
errupt in a fireworks display of emotions
to be calm
act calm and harness
the potential in the air around you

-- completely different thought --

how bad is it when you realize the reality in a situation?
when you realize who did and who didn't do their parts. when you realize who you really can count on when the find the bodies in the basement. it's all equal, no one makes you participate. there is just that part of lonliness that the majority of people cannot stand. to recognize that they truly 100% are alone. alone only because they cannot hold themselves at night, alone because they have not realized that until you loose everything you cannot be anything, alone because they haven't realized that happiness is not in another person.

Another bus will be along shorty ...

Cause Ed is watching my every sound, i said
he's watching my every
sound ...

They called him Flipper, Flipper faster than lightning ...

It is eye opening the way peoples "perceptions" shape them.

Peoples perception of me is slighted, somewhat backwards and not entirely true. They see the "therapist me" with blinders on which doesn't allow them to see anything else. Either that or they see the immoral velvet side and are horrified. No one grasps that I have two totally different people inside me - well more than 2 if you want technicalities. It's like this whole "multiplicity" of persoonality is taken as a joke, it is not chosen but predistine.

All of us who have been trained in the field of psychology understand transference. We understand that there will be that one who thinks that they are desperately in love with you because "you understand them". That is what it is - you cannot prevent another person from feeling a certain way.



I feel the water transfering
I feel that there are things that I don't mean to do that I am doing
I feel completely out of my element ...

Just dance ...

this is the first blog entry
i'm really not sure what to write.
things are totally different in this world that i have been inducted into. we are poor - all 4 of us trying to make ends meet and feed, house and provide for children that aren't technically mine but they are god-willed.

the cats have come out of hiding finally.

i am shairing a flat with two other people - joseph and heather. they are nice and they mean well but they are a little naive. haven't made it out into the world and experience anything out of West-monkey-fuck-Ohio. sweet and harmless.

my mother wrote me a letter about me leaving and that she is afraid that i am just going to fail. votes of confidence! even from 300+ miles away she can make me feel like shit for the decisions i make.

if one thing that has changed - i feel more alive than i have in the past.
even though it is small things i feel free.

xoxo
p.w.