ascention

i don't know what it say.

cigarettes are now $7 a pack = quitting in my future.
that is a positive.

what if you haven't found employment in a place but ... enligtenment on a super grandious scale? true we are not defined by what it is we "do" for a living but all too often it becomes who we are. what if you are not true to what you have become?

what if it is a pseudo-self?

essentially you have been lying to ourself all the time. i was a horrible family therapist *admission made* i did not fit into that world. i am just too ruff around the edges ... i cannot be that person. it is not built into my skeleton. it is not my skin, part of my dna or any ounce of my composition ...

ahh ... alas.

THAT was the purpose for the job. as a defining point in life, a rock a break in the path. and it is not what was ment to be. i truly wish that someday people close to me will realize that. there is method to this madness that i live in, method and motivation for something better.



i need that reason to wake up in the morning.

i need that motivation.
tomorrows motivation is ... gardening.

i have been envited to garden and have coffee with beth's mom in her - well there is no other way to say this - she is a white witch and grows amazing things just for fun. she makes organic soaps and candles plus she is a great artist and thinker. she is my centering piece here. no matter how insane things get - she is the rock in the middle that i know i can stand on when it starts to flood and the water won't reach my sandles.

enlightenment on a grand scale ...
i experienced ascention twice today.
TWICE!
*google it because i can't explain it*

never has it happened in the same month, let alone in the same day! within moments of one another too. i am just wow ...

inside of me is smiling like the cheshire cat.


and that's the way it is in minnisota
that's the way it is in oklahoma-homa
that's the way it's been since protazoa
first gone on on the shores of California ...


ps = yes my toes are still frozen ...

cold

WHY is it colder in the house than it is outside?!?!

answer me ... someone?

please - i like feeling my toes and i can't fathom wearing socks without shoes on and i don't want to wear shoes inside!!!

snowing?

it is march 29th
and
it is snowing with some force in northwestern ohio.

snowing ...

come on now people!
i love snow and cold weather but be real, the bad thing is that we have until mid-april to go with this shit. *and i wondered why it was that i packed all my sweaters and warm cloths* i have on two shirts one is police issue body armor for -20*, a hooded sweatshirt, pj pants and toe socks and i am inside, freezing, ontop of the heater and my nose! my nose it is frozen.

ohio - land of once you get cold you can never get warm AGAIN!

beyond that ...
all is fine - i found my center today.

title

so i changed the title of this blog today ...

paper street soap company

THAT is the world that i am living in - and if you don't have any idea what that means or where it is from that is what those lovely men made google.com for.

*period*

mine

what's mine is mine and you can't have it .

ANYONE who knows me knows that i don't like to share what is mine.

IF you want something that is mine - you need to ask me for it. just don't take it and assume that i am okay with it because i know you. there are THREE people in my life who have that privlidge. that privlidge comes after years of accepting my insanity.

you just do not take my shit.
you do not take my shit and expect me not to know.
i wasn't born lastnight - or at night for that matter i was born in the middle of the day.

un-cool

so i have offically became the uncool friend.

ya ...

if i dont have something that someone wants - then i am not important.

go me.

i've been tainted with a horrible name by people that don't even know me.
and i keep asking myself why it is that i care?
why do i care what people think of me?
i've never cared what people think.

have i lost that?

where did it go ...

welcome to england

im tired today - which i shouldn't be but i am. it is strange to go from the world of working 40+ hours a week to NOT working at all - i dont know what to do with myself most of the time. i feel utterly and completely useless.

you know when someone yells at you and you stand there and take it from them? ya that was today - beth's mom decided to yell at me for something i supposedly did. people dont want to hear the truth. so i let myself be the scapegoat. i had no energy to argue back.

everyone is convinced that i am dying here. i am just fine - the cat litter needs changed but besides that i am fine. we are fine let me say. this is a temporary housing setting. i cant handle this much chaos all the time. i just needed complete starvation from the life that i knew. it was going no where and i was stuck in a viscious cycle. that being said - do realize that i am not the perfect anything. not the perfect person or daughter. jack of all trades but master of none. i will never have the perfect life with everything in place. i will never have thousands in my bank account. i love shoes too much. but that is who i am take it or leave it. the renegade friend and lover ...

he said, you've got to bring your own sun girl
bring your own sun

swap our places

it reminds me so much of my mother ...

it doesn't hurt me
you wanna feel how it feels
you wanna know
know that it doesnt hurt me
you wanna know about the deal im making

if i only could
make a deal with god
and get him to swap our places
be running up that road
be running up that hill
with no problem

you dont wanna hurt me
see how deep the bullet lies
unaware that im taring you assunder
so much hate for the ones we love
tell me we both matter dont we?

- placebo / running up that hill

i am

I am an anarchist

An antichrist

An asterix

I am an anorak

An acolyte

An accidental

I am eleven feet

Ok, eight...Six foot three...

I fought the British and I won

I have a rocket ship

A jetfighter

A paper airplane

Say what you will...

I am The Kill

The only thing that keeps you really truly safe from being real

I have a tendency

To exaggerate

Just a little bit

I am a plagiarist

Apologist

A walruscokeheadlizard

I am an optimist

A closeted misogynist

I fought the British and I won

I have a wishing well a living will a magical eight ball

Say what you will - I am The Kill

The only thing that keeps you really truly safe from being real

Put pat sajak back in office

Put pat sajak back in office!!!

But the sun still sets on you

And the retarded party nobody came to but you

And so you drink to all the emptiness until you wake up

And there's hell to pay again

And the punch lines point at you

And all the comebacks in the world are in your head

And you can't say them until everybody leaves

And it's just you and your imaginary friends...

alive

i am okay.
alive
breathing and okay ...

twinkle twinkle little star

i went to give plasma today - there is no other source of income right now.
like $30 is a lot of money for christ sake!


things got screwed because of me not having a vaild ohio address. tried to bootleg one but that didn't work.

i drove all the way to findaly which is 21 miles away. i was on "E" half way there - no plasma = no gas! i have no cell phone no ones number no one to call no money. i went over to the gas station across the street pulled in and started swaring and kicking my car. i put a dent in my car with sandles on and my toes are fine.

i had to pan-handle money off of a stranger to make it home. i gather it helped because i am a female and i was crying. i got $5 to get gas and make it home.

i was in tears the entire time i pumped my gas.

nervous breakdown #1 in ohio ...

i cant exist in the middle of nothingness. no money no gas no nothing. this is killing me slowly.

before you can be anything ...
you must loose everything.

smoke on the water

it is a funny afair when lines are crossed
when you push to a limit that you cannot see
to watch the other persons face
errupt in a fireworks display of emotions
to be calm
act calm and harness
the potential in the air around you

-- completely different thought --

how bad is it when you realize the reality in a situation?
when you realize who did and who didn't do their parts. when you realize who you really can count on when the find the bodies in the basement. it's all equal, no one makes you participate. there is just that part of lonliness that the majority of people cannot stand. to recognize that they truly 100% are alone. alone only because they cannot hold themselves at night, alone because they have not realized that until you loose everything you cannot be anything, alone because they haven't realized that happiness is not in another person.

Another bus will be along shorty ...

Cause Ed is watching my every sound, i said
he's watching my every
sound ...

They called him Flipper, Flipper faster than lightning ...

It is eye opening the way peoples "perceptions" shape them.

Peoples perception of me is slighted, somewhat backwards and not entirely true. They see the "therapist me" with blinders on which doesn't allow them to see anything else. Either that or they see the immoral velvet side and are horrified. No one grasps that I have two totally different people inside me - well more than 2 if you want technicalities. It's like this whole "multiplicity" of persoonality is taken as a joke, it is not chosen but predistine.

All of us who have been trained in the field of psychology understand transference. We understand that there will be that one who thinks that they are desperately in love with you because "you understand them". That is what it is - you cannot prevent another person from feeling a certain way.



I feel the water transfering
I feel that there are things that I don't mean to do that I am doing
I feel completely out of my element ...

Just dance ...

this is the first blog entry
i'm really not sure what to write.
things are totally different in this world that i have been inducted into. we are poor - all 4 of us trying to make ends meet and feed, house and provide for children that aren't technically mine but they are god-willed.

the cats have come out of hiding finally.

i am shairing a flat with two other people - joseph and heather. they are nice and they mean well but they are a little naive. haven't made it out into the world and experience anything out of West-monkey-fuck-Ohio. sweet and harmless.

my mother wrote me a letter about me leaving and that she is afraid that i am just going to fail. votes of confidence! even from 300+ miles away she can make me feel like shit for the decisions i make.

if one thing that has changed - i feel more alive than i have in the past.
even though it is small things i feel free.

xoxo
p.w.