happy?

i am tired and really thirsty.

it has been 80+ degrees here the last week. i dont sun tan - that is just ludichrist! i like my pale pasty complection the way it is thanks much. however as elizabeth said, this is the darkest that she has ever seen me in ten years. i got mad sunburn that is finally loosing the red. my poor chest is pealing and raw.

question:

why, even when we have the most truly blissful time, can we make ourselves myserable through thought?

case in point - the last two days i have been totally blissfully happy with the people around me, the relaxing things that i am doing outside (fuck i was so relaxed the other day that i fell asleep in the yard for an hour and a half) -- yet i manage to feel discourged and that i shouldnt be happy for some reason. i am ruining my personal happiness because it is not what "path" of happiness people have chosen for me.

i have no job right now - so i should be myserable i guess ...

i am trying to hold down my personal happiness however, it is a daily struggle.

sick

my throat is almost swollen shut again
my ears hurt like no bodies business
i am cold like jesus hates me

but at least it stopped raining today !

*and i am waisting my life here in ohio fucking things up left and right ... or so everyone in my family thinks. is it enough to have any faith in me? or am i just that hopeless ...*

when parents read your mail

so my mother is pissed at me and it has vicariously put me in a bad mood - even when the woman is 100 some miles away she still makes me feel like shit for being who i am. i have no job as of yet. my unemployment was denied because the company i worked for lied saying that i never brought any proof to the table that i was suffering from some sort of illness. whatever! i could fight that in a heart beat because i have two doctors that wrote excuses for me. however i do not have the time nor the patience for the legal dance and such bullshit.

my student loans were not paid for last month and this month and my mother is freaking out over it. im sorry but when it comes to money - they are the last ones that i care about. what can they do to me? i have nothing to take. my car is more important than loans.

so i didnt get unemployment - i had to wait since feb 19 to know this and now i have to revise the game plan. i have to figure out what to do by the end of the week to get a job doing something. yippers!

and i will ...

just breathe ...

once again my parents are convinced that i am ruining my life, that moving to ohio was the worst thing that i could have done for myself and that constant reminder that they "cannot help me with money".

have i asked for money?

last time i checked the answer was no.

easter sunday

HAPPY EASTER!

i know that i havent written anything in while ...
it has been busy

i hurt my back fucking bad doing lord knows what.
my siatic (?) nerve is pinched on the right side = my ass cheak hurts = i get electrical shocks down my whole leg and it twitches uncontrolably = i cant sit for more than 5 min at a time = laying down is the only way i am comfortable. it sucks, i feel 100 years old right now and the cold nights isnt making it any better.

i have much to write ...
no time as usual unless i can hire that personal assistant.

much love

signs

so this evening we finished laying grass seed because it was going to rain just after dark. then i went down the ways to town to get a pack of cigarettes and a sodieee-pop. upon comming home i was sitting on the front porch smoking, watching the thunder storm roll in from the west when i was pelted in the head.

quarter inch hale ...

ya!
rocks falling from the sky today!

shit doesn't fall from the sky where i come from unless you throw it up there first.

is this a sign of the end?

frustration

today is totally frustrating.
i'm looking for work but have no idea where else to look.
constantly doing nothing is aggrivating.

this house is further reasoning and justification as to why i am never having kids.
EVER!

i need a nap ...