ascention

i don't know what it say.

cigarettes are now $7 a pack = quitting in my future.
that is a positive.

what if you haven't found employment in a place but ... enligtenment on a super grandious scale? true we are not defined by what it is we "do" for a living but all too often it becomes who we are. what if you are not true to what you have become?

what if it is a pseudo-self?

essentially you have been lying to ourself all the time. i was a horrible family therapist *admission made* i did not fit into that world. i am just too ruff around the edges ... i cannot be that person. it is not built into my skeleton. it is not my skin, part of my dna or any ounce of my composition ...

ahh ... alas.

THAT was the purpose for the job. as a defining point in life, a rock a break in the path. and it is not what was ment to be. i truly wish that someday people close to me will realize that. there is method to this madness that i live in, method and motivation for something better.



i need that reason to wake up in the morning.

i need that motivation.
tomorrows motivation is ... gardening.

i have been envited to garden and have coffee with beth's mom in her - well there is no other way to say this - she is a white witch and grows amazing things just for fun. she makes organic soaps and candles plus she is a great artist and thinker. she is my centering piece here. no matter how insane things get - she is the rock in the middle that i know i can stand on when it starts to flood and the water won't reach my sandles.

enlightenment on a grand scale ...
i experienced ascention twice today.
TWICE!
*google it because i can't explain it*

never has it happened in the same month, let alone in the same day! within moments of one another too. i am just wow ...

inside of me is smiling like the cheshire cat.


and that's the way it is in minnisota
that's the way it is in oklahoma-homa
that's the way it's been since protazoa
first gone on on the shores of California ...


ps = yes my toes are still frozen ...